I'm Glad It Isn't You
by Penelope Cross
Summary: Brittany's take on Dave Karofsky.  Spoilers for 3x14


**AN: **After the nights episode of Glee, I had to write. It was intense, to say the least.

I would like to say disclaimer, yadayada, but also spoiler alert for 3x14.

Also, I wish that for genre there was a 'love' option as well as 'romance'. Let's pretend romance here just means love.

* * *

><p>It's a good day.<p>

But Brittany thinks every day is pretty much a good day when you've got Santana as your girlfriend. She's sitting in the back of the choir room talking with Santana, playing with her hand. She loves to hold Santana's hand in her lap and just trace the lines there, feel the warmth and tickle her wrist. It's one of her favorite things to do; holding Santana's hand.

The best part is she can just do that now and Santana doesn't care, Santana lets her. Sometimes Santana even grabs her hand, holds it close and tight, almost in a disbelieving way. Brittany loves it when Santana is the one to grab her hand first.

When Mr. Schue comes into the choir room and has his serious face on Brittany knows something is wrong. She can feel it deep inside of her and she holds onto Santana's hand like it's an anchor; using the contact to make sure whatever he's going to say won't blow her away. She feels like it's going to.

She's almost breathless because it does.

/

She's holding Santana close because she's crying so hard. Brittany hasn't seen her cry that hard in a really long time and she isn't sure what to do or say. So she holds her, let's her wrap her arms around her body and sob into her neck. The tears feel hot as they fall softly onto Brittany's skin, like whispers.

She knows Santana was friends with Karofsky, she knows they have a bond she doesn't really understand. She knows this is about Karofsky and the people around him but deep down she can't help but feel this horrible tugging in her chest.

She can't help but feel like these events are saying something big to her.

Something she doesn't really understand just yet.

/

"Lemme break it down to you from one bitch to another," Santana delivers the line and Brittany stands behind her. "This vicious underhandedness has to stop."

When Sebastian agrees they all stop. Brittany knows Santana's entire thought process has been derailed. She can feel the confusion that's quickly followed by disbelief, especially when Kurt calls Sebastian out on it. Yet, when Sebastian doesn't respond with something mean and seems honest, no one is really sure of what to do next. Rallying against Sebastian had felt like an excuse to focus all of the anger and hurt Santana and Kurt are feeling about Dave.

At least, that's what Brittany thinks.

When Sebastian says that the Warblers are going to dedicate their performance to Dave Brittany is doubly surprised. She stands behind Santana, unsure of what to say, how to react, everyone else is doing it for her anyway.

/

"I just don't believe that little bitchlet," Santana says as they're walking to her car. "People don't just fucking turn over a new leaf. He's only bluffing." Brittany feels the anger in Santana flare up suddenly. "If he's using what Dave did as an excuse to get sympathy from the judges I'll fucking...I'll tear his...fuck!"

She kicks her tire hard.

Brittany jumps. She keeps her distance from Santana. She hasn't seen Santana this angry in a long time. She doesn't know what to do but stand and watch.

"Just fucking fuck fuck, fuck," Santana says. She punctuates each swear with a kick to her car tire. "Fuck," she whimpers, leaning against the car and pulling her foot a few inches off the ground. "So stupid."

"No," Brittany says. It isn't automatic, she means it. Nothing about any of this is stupid. "It's not stupid."

"Dave's my friend," Santana says. "He's so hurt. I don't want him to be hurt anymore."

Brittany pulls her in close again and feels that tug at her heart.

/

Mr. Schue has them sitting in a circle.

Brittany can't believe Rory has never had peanut butter. She also can't believe Mr. Schue thought about killing himself once. Circles must have some secret power of revealing. Brittany remembers the last time she sat in a circle was with Holly Holiday and what had come from that conversation.

As Mr. Schue tells his story, Brittany listens closely. To Brittany, Mr. Schue is like, the total opposite of someone who would want to kill themselves, like ever. He just seems to exude life.

Then he says something Brittany has never really thought about.

There's that one thing that will push someone to the edge.

Brittany knows those words are big. She doesn't really get it because she's never felt like she was close to the edge of anything so dark. She feels the words though, the way she feels all things- deep inside of her. She knows they're big and she wonders if_ she_ could ever be on the edge like Mr. Schue had felt, like Dave is feeling.

She's never really thought about suicide, like at all, before. It had always seemed like one of those things that happens to other people, like sudden car crashes or cancer. Every has been saying that you have to feel alone, feel so bad, be in such a hard place to want to kill yourself.

Brittany doesn't remember ever feeling like that or even close to that.

When Mr. Schue switches to talking about new experiences and things to look forward to she looks at Santana. Her heart beats one very specific beat. She wants them with Santana. She can't imagine life without Santana. She can't imagine if it had been Santana instead of Dave.

What if last year when Brittany had said Santana played for another team Santana didn't have anyone to talk to and tried to kill herself? What if when that ad campaign ran Santana had gone home and tried to kill herself? What if Santana had gone home crying after all of the things people said to her at school? What if Santana had had those dark thoughts after her Abuela kicked her out? What if no one had found her? What if no one had found her like Dave's dad found him and Santana had been hanging from the ceiling as her body grew cold...

The what ifs are so big and everywhere. Brittany feels suffocated by them because they're _real._ They could have happened.

The tugging in her chest Brittany has been feeling intensifies and she wants to cry- she's too overwhelmed. She looks at the girl sitting beside her and it all slips into place, like she has just turned that last puzzle piece the right way. Santana has been through so much, she's still going through so much. She has to fight to kiss Brittany in public because people get angry, she has to deal with her Abuela hating her. She has to handle the talks and the looks that still linger in the dark corners of the hallway.

And she does fight it. Every day.

Brittany feels all of this and wants to pull Santana into her, kiss her, tell her she loves her, she's proud of her. She wants to show Santana how happy she is she's here, how strong she is. Because Santana is strong. Stronger than anyone here realizes or has ever stopped to think about.

No one really gets Santana like Brittany does, though. They all expect her to not take it personally because she's Santana. Because she's been mean. Brittany knows she's only mean to keep people away, to keep them from getting close and seeing all of the things about herself that Santana wasn't able to accept for a long time. The layers of it all go on for miles in Brittany's mind, now that it all has clicked into place. She can see how deep the beauty of Santana runs, how it's all splayed out in front of her now like a road map and she wants to trek across all of it so she can know Santana better, deeper.

So much that when everyone looks to Brittany to say what she's looking forward to she doesn't really want to say anything heavy because she already feels like she weighs so much. She feels weighed down with the knowledge of how truly extraordinary Santana is and how everyone shrugs it off like it's nothing. She doesn't want to say she's looking forward to understanding more of Santana, exploring the darkest depths of Santana because it's too intimate. (And Brittany wants to keep Santana all to herself.)

"I'm looking forward to the day Lord Tubbington kicks his ecstasy addiction," she says, keeping her face straight.

/

It's the night before Regionals.

Brittany's last Regionals with the New Directions, with Santana. Ever.

She isn't really focusing on that, though. All she's focusing on is Santana. The way Santana kind of looks brand new, but not really. The feelings rush through Brittany like water that's been let lose from a dam. She can't really explain it to herself but it's like she's really seeing Santana, more of Santana (or maybe all of her?) for the first time. It's beautiful and heavy and tragic and warm all wrapped into the girl sitting with her on her bed.

Brittany has her leg stretched out with her foot resting in Santana's lap while she paints Brittany's toes.

"San," Brittany says. She doesn't mean for her voice to sound so quiet, but it just comes out that way.

"Yeah?" Santana says in that quiet, scratchy voice she gets when she's concentrating so hard on something.

"You know I love you, right?" Brittany feels like she doesn't say it enough.

Santana looks up from Brittany's toe nails that she's painting a deep red. She puts the brush back into the bottle and turns the lid tight, setting it aside. "'Course I know, Britt Britt," she says smiling softly at Brittany. "I love you, too."

"No, but I love you no matter what, okay?" Brittany feels that awful tugging in her heart and all of the feelings from earlier seem to sink back down on her like someone is placing weights on her body.

"Brittany," Santana says in her softest voice, her concerned voice. "I know."

Brittany holds her eyes and tries to convey what she's feeling, tries to convey how amazing Santana is, how strong she is, everything that Brittany realized earlier in the auditorium. "Santana, I just..."

Santana doesn't say anything and Brittany is grateful. She needs time to collect her thoughts and really figure out how to tell Santana what she should have been told a long time ago. "You're so strong, Santana and I," Brittany pauses and holds Santana's gaze in her own. She looks so open, she's always so giving. "I'm so proud of you. I'm so impressed by how you just do this, every day. How you fight against so much every day."

Santana glances down at her lap and Brittany can see her small, shy smile through her curtain of dark hair.

"You have to fight so much and no one ever really stops to look at it. You have to deal with your Abuela and the way people talk about you and how that stupid add outed you to everyone and it's just..." Brittany stops. She fists her hands into the fabric of her blanket.

She doesn't know why her eyes are prickling or why she's sniffling so much. She knows she isn't really supposed to cry. Dave is okay and Santana is okay, right here with her, looking at her with those big, concerned eyes. This isn't about her.

"I'm so glad it isn't you," she finally says.

"Oh babe," Santana says. She crawls the distance between them and settles on her knees in front of Brittany. She pulls Brittany into a tight hug and Brittany gratefully tucks her face into Santana's chest, holding onto her as tight as she can.

"I'm so glad it isn't you," she repeats. She cries and feels guilty for it, stupid for it. She can't help but feel like no one really ever took Santana seriously last year when she was dealing with her feelings, with being alone. She had Dave through the worst of it. She had been alone a lot though, fighting with herself, with her feelings.

"Brittany," Santana says in her soft voice.

"Yeah," Brittany mumbles thickly, pulling away from Santana to look up at her face.

"I would never leave you like that," Santana says.

The words are so simple and so big that Brittany can't help it when she chokes on a sob and hot tears slide down her face.

They don't last for long, though.

Santana is there to kiss them all away.


End file.
